Depression sucks. That’s pretty much a given. There’s the long stretches where you just go through the motions, nothing changes, and you long to just lay there and let the world pass by. However, the sessions that hurt the most are the ones where they just come out of nowhere; when you were feeling just fine and then for no reason it hits you. It’s these waves that have been affecting me more and more lately.
There are times where I am spending the day with my boyfriend and everything is going great. But then we will cuddle on the couch, under the covers, and then I just get inexplicably sad. There’s no real identifiable trigger but I am going to try and figure it out without making myself miserable in Starbucks.
The thing is, this whole romance thing is still new to me. Having someone say they genuinely care about me and want to spend time with me is so touching. He gives me the best cuddles, making me feel safe and secure. He can let me vent about whatever problems I’m having (mostly family ones but that’s another post). I am at that point in my life where big transitions are coming and I am going to spread my wings. Am I scared? Absolutely, but I know that there are some things that I can’t keep doing anymore.
We are both eager to move in to an apartment and start living together. As it stands right now, the application process is still underway. It’ll save on gas and I won’t have to put up with my parent’s controlling rules (midnight curfew, they will not drive to his place but can pick me up from there, requiring me to attend church but they won’t take me to the services that best fit my schedule even though I currently rely on them for transportation). I just want to be free but there’s a part of me that says I’m not. However, I know that it’s gotten to the point that I will need to leave sooner than later since they don’t exactly approve of my relationship. With this apartment, we can make our own rules and do our own thing.
I guess the tears come from this. Sometimes they don’t manifest because of that but the fact that it still happens is something I need to address. Maybe upping my antidepressant medication would help. I don’t know but I do wish he was next to me right now, holding me.