I am slowly discovering that I have not been a healthy individual when it comes to emotions. I’m not talking about me being abusive or anything like that. It’s more about bottling up those emotions and letting them simmer for far too long.
I learned on the playground that guys don’t cry. Unfortunately for me, I got upset whenever something happened to me and the tears just rolled down. I was called a crier in my class and had to try my best to swallow those instincts to just let it out. The downside is, this caused me to stonewall that part of my emotional core to the point where it is very difficult for me to cry at the appropriate time or in tear-jerking parts of movies. I’m trying so desperately to break that down but I get the nasty feeling inside that I’m being just selfish because I need to tend to my emotions. I’m usually the shoulder people cry on, not the other way around so when it’s my turn, it just feels awkward and scary.
Anger is the one emotion I had to bottle up the most. I was not really allowed to be angry at home or anywhere else because my anger displays were “not like everyone else’s”. I couldn’t openly swear within earshot of my parents, yet dad was allowed to get away with it for some reason. Sure, I’d drop a bomb or two in an argument but I would be talked down in an effort to regain control of me, something I’m learning is rather toxic. Instead, I’d medicate myself with some Nine Inch Nails, Rammstein, the harder side of Dream Theater, and now an eventual wading into punk culture. After all, if nobody in the house is willing to hear me out, I can just drown myself in hardcore riffs and industrial blip bloops.
I tell people that I’m usually a nice guy and I’ll get along with you over the course of time but just don’t try to piss me off. That side of me is scary and as much as I don’t want to admit it, it’s a side that I need to acknowledge. I am trying my best to gain some semblance of independence but am limited by being at home in a place where I can’t be too extreme with my expressions. I’ve been looking into punk ideologies and am learning about how there is a purpose behind it, depending on the faction. I’m working on trying to change my outward physical appearance in terms of clothing and accessories. I’m trying to be more open about my ideas among my family but it’s not easy as I consider myself to be the black sheep of the family.
It’s a slow process but I figure that if I really want to grow my wings, I need to wake up and let myself be open about my emotions.